There’s a sizable gap between the last time I posted on this blog. I’ve been busy with my Man-Wife duties such as cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, and being a lazy jackass who plays video games at length.
Right now I’m listening to the voice of Bill Hicks while I remind myself that all of the best people are already dead.
While I consider the fact that Bill Hicks, Hunter Thompson, and George Carlin are gone, I think about all the horrible slash useless people who are still with us.
(Before you get all butthurt and write up a response to my potential mishandling of two current events, remember one key thing: I really don’t give a shit about either of these people and they don’t give a shit about you.)
Paula Deen (is going to spin racist and sexist humor into a better career)
Edward Snowden (is currently gaining celebrity by fucking his own country’s anti-terrorism efforts ***I don’t give a shit about privacy on the internet, it was an illusion to begin with***)
My Neighbors (see below)
The reason I bring up my neighbors is surprisingly simple and it revolves around the fact that they have little-to-nothing to do with their lives.
A while back out neighbors put a note on another neighbor’s Yard-Dishwasher stating that not only did it devalue property, but it was going to cause a cataclysm on the “neighborhood scale.”
My wife and I kind of ignored it while we hid the fact that we had our own little store of garbage behind our garage. The way our neighbors referred to it, you would think we had a ’56 Rambler on cinder blocks in our front yard with the skeleton corpse at the steering wheel. Truth be told, it was simply an old and busted dresser.
Soon we received a note of our own, taped to the back door.
This is a somewhat dramatized version of the letter:
“Dear White Trash,
The League of Evil Neighbors has targeted you both for bully-tactics. We are fully aware of the garbage behind your garage (old and busted dresser) and we along with the rest of the League of Evil Neighbors would like to see you clean this up. Non-compliance will result in you and yours being shunned. This horrendous pile of garbage not only disgusts, but it also causes unplanned regurgitation of the Creamed Corn we live on. All (Underlined twice) garbage must be removed or all (underlined four times) your neighbors will berate you behind your back. This horrendous pile of garbage devalues property, Yours too!
The original note was much less colorful. What it lacked in color, however, it made up for by being absolutely passive-aggressive.
In response, my wife and I both choose different routes to convey our displeasure with the League of Evil Neighbors leaving such trenchant criticism taped to our door. My wife wrote not one, not two, but three different drafts of a diplomatically stated “go (expletive removed) yourself” note and I of course decided it would be an awesome idea to explore this on “Don’t Forget to Save.”
I over-think things and this post is a great example of it.
See, for me, deciding to write a note, make a trebuchet, and preparing to launch the dresser at the neighbors simply isn’t good enough. As convenient as it would be to have a working trebuchet, I’d rather do the peaceful thing: Beat the thought of it to death inside the confines of my own skull.
The first conclusion I came to was: “They’re old and retired and old retired people have too much time on their hands, simple.”
Problem with that diagnosis was that I know a lot of old retired folks who make much better use of their time. Furthermore, it felt a little cheap to sum the whole thing up with a generalization about proper use of time as it relates to old retired folks.
I’m not here to offend any key demographics.
So I’ve decided to go with neighborhood vigilantism because it has a “stealth in balaclavas” appeal.
Problem with this one is that there isn’t enough “stealth in balaclavas” involved. It’s seriously just “Wait for them to go somewhere so I can tape my note on the door and run like crazy.”
So I gave up wondering about what drove them to do this thing and saw out our original plan for the old and busted dresser, which was to wait for the big town-wide trash pickup. Our neighbors looked on as the brave men and women of the sanitation department took away that god awful dresser. (They took that washer too, you know, the one with the first note still taped to it.)
So there you have it: People suck.
“People suck, and that’s my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I’ll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I’ll show my work, case closed. I’m tired of this back-slapping “Aren’t humanity neat?” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes, okay? That’s all we are.” – Bill Hicks