People suck

There’s a sizable gap between the last time I posted on this blog. I’ve been busy with my Man-Wife duties such as cooking, cleaning, mowing the lawn, and being a lazy jackass who plays video games at length.

Right now I’m listening to the voice of Bill Hicks while I remind myself that all of the best people are already dead.

While I consider the fact that Bill Hicks, Hunter Thompson, and George Carlin are gone, I think about all the horrible slash useless people who are still with us.

Short list:

(Before you get all butthurt and write up a response to my potential mishandling of two current events, remember one key thing: I really don’t give a shit about either of these people and they don’t give a shit about you.)

Paula Deen (is going to spin racist and sexist humor into a better career)

Edward Snowden (is currently gaining celebrity by fucking his own country’s anti-terrorism efforts ***I don’t give a shit about privacy on the internet, it was an illusion to begin with***)

My Neighbors (see below)

The reason I bring up my neighbors is surprisingly simple and it revolves around the fact that they have little-to-nothing to do with their lives.

A while back out neighbors put a note on another neighbor’s Yard-Dishwasher stating that not only did it devalue property, but it was going to cause a cataclysm on the “neighborhood scale.”

My wife and I kind of ignored it while we hid the fact that we had our own little store of garbage behind our garage. The way our neighbors referred to it, you would think we had a ’56 Rambler on cinder blocks in our front yard with the skeleton corpse at the steering wheel. Truth be told, it was simply an old and busted dresser.

Soon we received a note of our own, taped to the back door.

This is a somewhat dramatized version of the letter:

“Dear White Trash,

The League of Evil Neighbors has targeted you both for bully-tactics. We are fully aware of the garbage behind your garage (old and busted dresser) and we along with the rest of the League of Evil Neighbors would like to see you clean this up. Non-compliance will result in you and yours being shunned. This horrendous pile of garbage not only disgusts, but it also causes unplanned regurgitation of the Creamed Corn we live on. All (Underlined twice) garbage must be removed or all (underlined four times) your neighbors will berate you behind your back. This horrendous pile of garbage devalues property, Yours too!

Love,

LoEN Overlord”

The original note was much less colorful. What it lacked in color, however, it made up for by being absolutely passive-aggressive.

In response, my wife and I both choose different routes to convey our displeasure with the League of Evil Neighbors leaving such trenchant criticism taped to our door. My wife wrote not one, not two, but three different drafts of a diplomatically stated “go (expletive removed) yourself” note and I of course decided it would be an awesome idea to explore this on “Don’t Forget to Save.”

I over-think things and this post is a great example of it.

See, for me, deciding to write a note, make a trebuchet, and preparing to launch the dresser at the neighbors simply isn’t good enough. As convenient as it would be to have a working trebuchet, I’d rather do the peaceful thing: Beat the thought of it to death inside the confines of my own skull.

The first conclusion I came to was: “They’re old and retired and old retired people have too much time on their hands, simple.”

Problem with that diagnosis was that I know a lot of old retired folks who make much better use of their time. Furthermore, it felt a little cheap to sum the whole thing up with a generalization about proper use of time as it relates to old retired folks.

I’m not here to offend any key demographics.

So I’ve decided to go with neighborhood vigilantism because it has a “stealth in balaclavas” appeal.

Problem with this one is that there isn’t enough “stealth in balaclavas” involved. It’s seriously just “Wait for them to go somewhere so I can tape my note on the door and run like crazy.”

So I gave up wondering about what drove them to do this thing and saw out our original plan for the old and busted dresser, which was to wait for the big town-wide trash pickup. Our neighbors looked on as the brave men and women of the sanitation department took away that god awful dresser. (They took that washer too, you know, the one with the first note still taped to it.)

*Tear*

So there you have it: People suck.

“People suck, and that’s my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a fucking Etch-a-sketch, I’ll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I’ll show my work, case closed. I’m tired of this back-slapping “Aren’t humanity neat?” bullshit. We’re a virus with shoes, okay? That’s all we are.” – Bill Hicks

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Province of change.

While I look at updates at philadelphiaeagles.com about the new coach Chip Kelly working with the roster I can’t help but compare myself to the team.  Not that I run fast or line up particularly well, but I’m talking about the state of change they’re in.  I’m in my own state of change.

‘Cept I’m not in a state–I’m in a province.  A province of change.  

Realistically, the Eagles won’t see a Superbowl next year.  Just because Chip Kelly appears to be a magician from the future who will revolutionize our team, doesn’t mean it’ll happen over night.  I think that’s where I’m at.  I expected to go straight to my own “Superbowl” once I got here and I ignored the fact that it’s all going to take some time.

I feel like I’ve been mourning that fact for a while now.  I went through all of the stages of my own little denial, anger, sadness, all that other shit.  While I’ve been mourning that fact I didn’t account for the other things that would come up and cloud my ability to simply move forward.  The anniversary of my Mother’s death, Thanksgiving x2, Christmas, New Years, and Mom’s birthday.  All of these things have hurt and I think I half expected to be “over all of that.”

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I’ve become a recluse and I’m concerned that I haven’t worked through this anti-social behavior enough to really show Kyla’s friends and family who I am and what I’m about.  The temptation to clam up like I’m Chip Kelly talking about his playbook overcomes me.  Sometimes it overtakes me to the point where I can’t even utter a word.  I just try to get through social situations and I always end up trapped inside my head, thinking of things to say, just not finding a moment to say it.

On an interesting note, nine times out of ten when I have something to contribute, but keep it inside–Kyla’s Dad usually says it.  

I know that I can connect, but for some reason I just don’t feel like I can or should say anything.  This could all be perfectly normal and part of the “getting to know you” phase, but how long do they have to “get to know” me before I can simply speak freely?  This isn’t an issue of “just drink some beer and it’ll come” either–I can’t cope with it like that.  Don’t get mem wrong either, I’m not a horse’s ass who just runs his mouth and steps over everyone else verbally.  My mom taught me to speak when spoken to, for the most part.  The rest has been learned–when an elder is speaking–don’t interrupt them.

 

Maybe I’m putting to much pressure on myself.  Maybe the time will come when I overcome these weird little anti-social shits and move on to something more personal.  Maybe this is all perfectly normal.

The last time I came home from visiting Kyla, my Mom really noticed how different I was.  She saw how happy I was compared to the guy she dropped off at the airport.  I want to be that guy again–I want to be happy and I want that happiness to infect others.  That guy still exists, I think he just needs more patience, more time, and less negative reinforcement.

So in the same way Chip and the Birds need some time and cooperation, I just need some time.

Chip off the ole Flock.

Andy Reid started out the 2012 season watching his offensive line drop like flies. Jason Peters, arguably the best left tackle in the game didn’t even make pre-season. Just a few games later, Evan Mathis was the soul survivor of our offensive line. Will Jeffrey Lurie (Eagles Owner) take this into consideration? Will all of the injuries deafen the owner’s ears to the cries of “Fire Andy Reid” and result in a 2013 season with more frustration and agony?

Or will he pull the plug? You’re damn right. He should have pulled the plug in 2010. We all should have.

Remember—I’m speaking as an Eagles fan. I bleed green, win or lose.

Here’s why we should have pulled the plug:

I first realized that Reid was done on January 3rd, 2010. It was the last game of the 2009 season and we were taking on our arch rivals, the Dallas Cowboys. Marty Mornhinweg called the plays, Donovan McNabb ran the offense, and the Cowboys shut the Eagles out 24-0.

I didn’t know it was over because I only root for the Birds in fair weather—no. I knew it was over because McNabb had a bozo smile on his face while he ran a bunch of predictable plays that had little to no effect against a so-so Dallas squad. I really knew it was over the next week when the Cowboys eliminated the Eagles from the Wild Card round of the playoffs. Still–it wasn’t because I have to see the Eagles win. It’s because I abruptly saw how predictable Reid and Mornhinweg had become.

McNabb’s cheesy grin didn’t help either.

I knew it was over, but settled for blaming McNabb with the rest of the Eagles nation. We wished him a fond (#$@%& You McNabb!) brand farewell as he was traded off to another NFC East rival—the Washington Redskins.

Once again Reid and Mornhinweg managed to fool us when dumb luck (Kevin Kolb getting concussed in the 2010 season opener vs. Green Bay) allowed Vick to step into the starting QB role. He came out of the gates hot and had us all dreaming big. Even dog lovers were forgiving Vick—all thanks to the fact that defenses had forgotten how to defend against his legs. 2010 turned into a bit of a dream—a dream ending with a Lombardi Trophy.

Unfortunately, in the NFL, dreams often turn to nightmares.

Yep. Enter Vince Young to make his “We have a Dream-Team” speech. Once again we were reminded, “Oh yeah, Reid and Mornhinweg are predictable!” and we finished 8-8.

The Lombardi Trophy returned to being a mere tease hoisted up by goobers like Eli Manning.

In the off season Lurie promised us that he would have Reid sent to obscurity in Cleveland or Jacksonville or worse if we finished worse than 8-8 in 2012.

We believed him.

With two games to go, we sit at 4-10 and we are headed towards finishing 4-12. Reid must go. He must realize that his fourteen seasons in Philadelphia will be remembered fondly if he picks up his pet Mornhinweg and heads to Cleveland or wherever. He will not be unemployed.

Speaking once again as an Eagles fan—this is a painful subject for me. I wanted to see Big Red hoisting the Lombardi trophy while he’s dripping with sticky Gatorade. We’ve been so close for so long, but we just didn’t put it all together. We didn’t put it all together and soon the writing on the wall became so large that it was the wall.

What’s worse though is forcing DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, Brent Celek, and LeSean McCoy (to name a few) to run the same predictable offense repeatedly until each one is forced to retire early due to injuries.

There is good news, however. Whoever takes over will do so with a high first round draft pick.

ImageI personally hope that guy is Chip Kelly. I know it’s way too early to start talking about a new coach–let alone a guy like Kelly. But when the NFL updates the score to “FINAL” on game sixteen, everyone will start talking about who will take over in Philadelphia. I’m simply being realistic. The season is in the books, Reid is done, so let’s start speculating.

Now that the world has survived the Mayan Apocalypse, I hope Philadelphia can finally survive its own. The rumor mill is already swirling about Howie Roseman (Eagles GM) meeting up with the Chip Kelly (Oregon Ducks Coach) at a school visit. This is of course a rumor out of Pro Football Weekly so it might just be a cruel ruse to toy with the frayed emotions of Eagles fans.

John Gruden, Bill Cowher, Tony Dungy, Brian Billick, and some other big names are being tossed around in relation to Eagles head coach. I figure since these guys are so impossible to even fathom (each has a good thing going right now) that maybe Chip Kelly is feasible.

Kelly runs a no huddle spread option offense that racks up yards and runs defenses ragged. With the kind of speed Philadelphia has, this style of offense would undoubtedly be a happy union. It’s no doubt an exciting prospect for fans, considering how well Kelly’s system works in Oregon. Match Kelly’s offense up with what could be a dominant defense and the fans of Philadelphia might start envisioning that Lombardi trophy again.

I like Kelly because the guy is bold and all he wants to do is coach. We need a guy like this in Philadelphia running our offense.

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ImageFor the last little while, Kyla’s been bugging me to get myself a blog.  I’ve been chomping at the bit here and there talking about things I would like to write but never have a venue for.  Seems a blog is just selfishly delicious enough for said “things.”

I was trying to be ingenious and come up with a super special slash super cool title for this blog and I had a lot of things to consider…  It will be about football, games, life, politics, love, hate, and xenophobia.  It will be about sex, god, atheism, monkeys, and snow.  It needs a name that covers each and every subject without any obvious bias.

Before I turned into this bored American “behind enemy lines” in Canada, I was in Alaska and I was playing the shit out of Skyrim.  On a visit, Kyla noticed that I had a hard time remembering to save my game.  See, thanks to the brainpans at Bethesda, Skyrim is buggy as hell.  I had to turn off every kind of auto-save feature just to ensure the damn game wouldn’t crash mid-battle.  To help me remember this, Kyla wrote out a little note and stuck it to my television.  It’s very cute and I’ll save you the mushy stuff, but the whole idea of the note is “DON’T FORGET TO SAVE” and I figure that very idea is quite applicable to all the bologna I plan on posting here.

Then again I might forget this thing even exists in a week.  You never know.  Either way, I really hope I remember to come back here and keep posting.  I need a way to vent some of my frustrations along with share some obviously important ideas with anyone who dares to read them.

So there you go–don’t forget to save…unless of course, you’ve killed a chicken.